This journey of daughterhood hasn’t gotten any easier. Part of me has been waiting to blog until I had better news to tell you. Then I realized, that’s not what this blog is all about. It’s about losing me in favor of gaining all that God has for me. It’s a messy business dying to yourself.
Today I find myself sharing a journal entry….again.
March 30, 2013
O Father in heaven, how much I feel I need to write with so little time! Please multiply my time and efforts that Your complete will would be done. First allow me to declare that Your hand is good upon me. You are sovereign and trustworthy. There is no one like You!
It feels as though I have two roads before me and yet I know not the road of truth. (John 18:38) One road is one of admission. I am daily made more aware of the reality of me. I have such a natural bend toward self righteousness and false humility. These to me are grievous sins, how I relate to Paul who called himself the chief of sinners! I look at service last night and I am so tempted to wonder if I missed the boat.
Did my self righteousness and false humility cause me to once again miss something?
Was I rejecting myself before I got rejected?
The other road is one of declaration. I am daily made more aware that Jesus is innately righteous and humbled himself (Phil 2:8) becoming the sacrifice for me that by His sacrifice I would perpetually be made holy (Heb 10:10-14) and because of this great truth I have the right to enter the Holy of Holies where I enjoy intimacy with the Living God. (Heb 10:19)
I look at service last night and I know that the work of the cross is complete. I know that nothing was lost. I know that Jesus really did give me a new heart, I know that it is the Holy Spirit guiding me. (Heb 10:15-16)
Everything went exactly as planned. I missed nothing!
Both roads have truth but only one IS truth.
“Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for He is faithful that promised;) Hebrews 10:23
The profession of MY faith is this:
There is a God. You, O Lord are that God. You are THE God. Anything outside of Your will and good pleasure is sin. You are perfect and cannot accept anything spotted by sin. Indeed anything that is not holy dies in Your presence. I was unholy and spotted with so much sin that there was nothing good even visible or perceptible. I perpetually rebelled against You and even vaunted myself in secret ways. Time and again You brought the truth to me and I closed my ears, unable to comprehend the length, breadth, height, and width of it. (Eph 3:16-21)
The truth is You sent Jesus, Whom You adored, Your Son, the Holy Uncreated One to this earth to die. Yes His express purpose was to die at the hands of His own creation. He was the sacrifice. Jesus, Who walked this earth and declared that there was none good but You, Father. Jesus, Who walked this earth in complete obedience counting the cost as nothing for the joy set before Him. (Heb 12:2) That joy was me, His created being marred by my choices to be my own person and do what I thought best. Yes, I was marred by a miasma of pride and selfishness. My life worshipped the enemy who stood cloaked by self. My Lord’s perfect sacrifice makes me perpetually holy. His perfect sacrifice alone can work this miracle. And this, Holy Father was Your will that I would be able to enter the holy place by His blood. You have given me a new heart. You have written Your laws on my heart. No more will anyone say to me “know the Lord’ for I– even I, the least of all have been given the right to be called a son of God. What greater intimacy is there than that of Father to child.
I am holding fast to this truth.
No more will I ever entertain anything else.